Why the fuck isn’t my book selling? I stopped checking my Amazon.com sales rank when it sank into six digits. Now, it’s almost at seven digits. I am mortified. There’s one way to get that number up: buy my book for somebody else. You don’t even have to read it. It’s probably best that you don’t.

1. Atheists: there’s some quality God-doesn’t-exist stuff that will cater to their bitter, angry beliefs. Man, are they bitter.
2. Christians: there’s some blasphemous God-doesn’t-exist stuff that will cater to their bitter, angry beliefs and get them good and riled up. Great for taking to church and passing around while shaking heads in furious condemnation.
3. Chicanos: I’m a Chicano, so mostly just out of ethnic loyalty. Help a brother out, you lazy Mexicans.
4. Other minorities: it’s hard to tell us apart and we’re all pretty much the same anyway.
5. White folks: to see how the darkies live.
6. Democrats: it will speak to them on religious/political/ethnic grounds.
7. Republicans: they can wave it over their heads and condemn it on religious/political/ethnic grounds. Burns real nice.
8. Depressives: the cover’s black, just like their broken little hearts.  Also, the poems are bleak as hell, thus reinforcing their feelings about the meaninglessness of existence. They can read it while listening to Joy Division and weeping gently.
   
9. People you hate: it will make them into depressives and you will ruin their lives.
   

The book also makes a great gag gift. Really, who gives a goddamn about poetry? When the recipient opens the package—What? What is this? Poetry? You bought me a book of poetry? Dude, that is fucking hilarious!—the both of you can just laugh and laugh.