The last time that one of my poker buddies met up with me in Las Vegas, we ended up making lots of new friends and raking in tons of cash.

I'm in a regular poker game. The guys in the poker crew are heavy hitters, and this is the record of how I've done.

(Editor's Note: Yeah, this Poker Report is from events that took place five months ago, but you try living my life. Exactly. That's what I thought.)

Can I get that with extra donkey?

But my life isn't all about shiftlessness and dissipation (only, like, ninety percent).

I'm not even joking.

How am I getting by on a little over two hours of sleep? Right now, I'm completely hopped up on caffeine pills and Mountain Dew, the drink of champions. It's a good little life that I've got going here.

What the hell? Does no one respect the fist tap?

How is the novel going? I don't want to talk about it.